12:30pm couldn't come fast enough today. Both girls are down and I finally have some down time to myself. It's been a really rough morning :( I believe that because DearDaughter2 is still in our room she has gotten into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night for some comfort. I usually wait 10 minutes before getting up to get her, but she is a stubborn one and will stay up until I pick her up and nurse her. So, lately, just because it's easier and less stressful, I've just been getting up and nursing DearDaughter2, and then I lay her back in her cradle awake and she usually puts herself back to sleep. Well, last night, DearDaughter2 woke up at 2am, but didn't go back to sleep after I nursed her. She cried. So, I brought her to bed with me, but after 30 minutes of her kicking me and DearHubby, I decided to try to put her back in her cradle again. Needless to say, I only got 3 hours of sleep and I've been up since 2am. DearDaughter2 finally fell asleep around 4:30ish, but even before I could fall back to sleep, the alarm rang for DearHubby and I to get up. Then, this week, DearDaughter1, who normally sleeps until between 7:30/8am started getting up between 6/6:30am this week. As soon as I got DearHubby off to work, DearDaughter1 was up and yelling "Mommy". She yelled so loud that she woke up her baby sister. So, this morning, our house was filled with a lot of grumpy people and it was not nice; 2 fussy little ones and 1 impatient Mommy.
My heart's really been burning because DearHubby took a day off yesterday just because he felt really tired. He slept until about 1pm. The girls were down for their naps when he got up and that's when I decided to get a haircut. I came back when they woke up so I could give DearDaughter2 a feeding and then I went back out again to run 2 short errands. Well, when I came home, a Veggie Tales video was just ending. DearHubby just turned on a video to babysit while I was out. Then, he went back into the bedroom to take another 1 hour long nap before getting up to go the gym.
When DearDaughter2 wouldn't go back to sleep this morning, I got really upset and I hit my pillow a few times because I was just soooooooooo tired. In response, DearHubby told me to take it easy and just because I was tired I didn't have an excuse to get angry. That just caused me to feel angrier inside because I don't ever have an opportunity to just take a day off from being a Mommy and just stay in bed all day long to catch up on my rest. I'm tired every day and despite how I feel I need to do my job.
When DearHubby asked me if he could stay home from work because he felt like he needed the rest, I asked him when do I ever have the opportunity to take a vacation day. In response he told me that I could take a vacation day anytime I wanted to. I just need to ask him to take a day off and he would. So I asked him why he never offered this option to me before and he told me that I never asked. I didn't know that was even an option available.
Anyway, sometimes I feel like DearHubby has selective tiredness or I wonder if there's truly something wrong with him. He literally is in bed all the time and he complains about being sick all the time too. He'll go one week pushing really hard and then it takes him 2 or more weeks to recover. The reason I feel like he has selective tiredness is because I feel like he uses being tired or being sick to excuse himself from his responsibilities here at home. I feel like he sees bringing home the bacon and working on the house renovations and maintenance as his main job and duty for the family while I carry the main responsibility of child-rearing and house keeping. Therefore, if he's taking a break from work and the house, then he's also taking a break from everything else too.
I've addressed this with DearHubby before and all it brings us to is an argument. I've been struggling because I know I was created to be a helpmate to my husband. I just sometimes feel like I'm so alone, especially in the area of childrearing. I guess I just see childrearing as a responsibility for both parents and that I am to help out in the decision making of how we are to raise our children up. Yet, I feel like I make a majority of the decisions. It makes sense for me to do that because I am home full time, but I am also the main parent who seeks out the resources for childrearing. Most everything I pick up to read involves how to raise our children while DearHubby has rarely picked up one resource yet. It seems like he would rather read a motorcycle forum or magazine before picking up a book on how Fathers should lead their family. What I'm finding is that because I feel like I'm doing this alone, my failures as a parent just glares at me and all that's being revealed is just how horrible a Mommy I am, especially when I'm tired and I'm tired all the time (too). Despite efforts to try different tools, I still find myself yelling a lot. There goes buidling up a positive attitude for DearDaughter1. As a result, DearDaughter1 is growing more and more difficult and I often feel that her behavior is a reflection of how I've raised her. On days like this I often wonder why I became a Mommy and I often wonder if we were meant to have more children if I am having such a difficult time with just 2.
Anyway, I'm probably so downcast right now because I am exhausted. I should get a nap, but DearDaughter2 is on our bed and our futon is not the most comfortable to lay on, in fact it gives me a back ache. So, I'm probably just going to stay up and sulk some more.
Maybe since the sun is out, I'll take a drive with the girls when they get up from their nap. Maybe that'll help me feel better.
If there's anyone out there who reads this blog, any advice on how I am to clearly see my role as a helpmate? Am I wrong for feeling angry and alone and if so, how can I bring my thoughts back in alignment to what Scripture says?
